Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Vijay's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, June 18th, 2005
12:51 am	For the love you bring, won't mean a thing, unless you sing, sing, sing, sing... Summer seems to already have past me by. I don't even remember how it started, but I am now constantly working or seeing friends or reading in the sun or cooking or not having a care in the world. It's very strange to not be overworking myself and to have time to relax and play hearts and have a drink on Wednesday nights with my wonderful roomie and learn racquetball and buy organic produce and sleep on the roof and I'm not really comfortable yet. I miss most everyone who is not here terribly. I am three days too young to see Duncan Sheik at Club Cafe. Orbit's bubblegum flavor is rather weak. My friends and I are taking a hip hop dance class which is rather awesome and I'm not the only guy there and we all look awkward and goofy so it's OK. Many of my friends' relationships are falling apart and I am holding their hands through it but it just reinforces that I am still single and I wonder when I'm going to need to ask a friend to hold my hand during a break up. Tomorrow is the Pittsburgh PrideFest. I don't really like Pride very much, as whole. I see no point in being proud of something that I can't control; I'd rather be proud of my accomplishments. Pride, in a lot of ways, really segregates people more than bring us together. However, tomorrow I'll be off my high horse and march and shout and check out the hot guys and be fabulous. I'm really not sure why. It's amazing how, once someone is gone, you realize if you truly cared for them or couldn't stand them. It's even more amazing how easy it is to forget people, and to be forgotten. One of my coworkers is 78 years old and has been working for the department for thirty years. Before that, he was a priest, but he fell in love with a nun, and they got married. They had to get their vows revoked by the Pope and that is what makes me believe in the future. Sadly, his wife was hit by a car yesterday, so please keep her in your thoughts. I have a new appreciation for: the elderly, double sided tape, television, limes, cordorouy, Pittsburgh, iTunes, and Samantha Power. I currently dislike: silence, spiders, bad haircuts, soy cheese, He's Just Not That Into You, lesbian drama, the word "retarded," and several Congressmen. I'm going to be very "motivational speaker" and end with a quote: "Write what should not be forgotten." -Isabel Allende Current Mood: bitchy Current Music: Travis, Sing (2 rose parades |say yes)
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
12:59 am	I think there is no more powerful thing than poetry, there is no stronger thing than song.... This weeked one of my friends made me promise to be a big part of her life next year and that shook me a bit. There are so many people whose lives I want to be a part of, who need to be around and who I just am not making the effort to be around. At a school where the idea of free time is, just that, an idea, I think I miss out on so many possibilies, so many adventures, and so many memories I might have. That, I think, is the saddest part of being a student here. I had my last meeting with my boss today for my intern position. In two years, I can say, without exaggerating, that we've done amazing things to improve GLBT Issues on campus. But now there's someone new taking my place, who will make more progress, who will spend hours hearing stories about my boss's crazy cat lady next door neighbor and who will be asked to be on all the committees I was on and who will be amazing and I'll have to stop myself from stepping on her toes. She's a good friend of mine, and I was her TA and I love everything about her and I know she'll succeed. I just need more self control. I love how you can just tell Health Services you have a cold and they give you a bag of fun. I have too too too many finals and I should be doing them now instead of writing some boring emo crap but writing this crap calms me down some. Or something. I interviewed for an internship with CMU's Media Relations and while it's not an ideal job it pays well and I can improve my writing skills and it's better than absolutely nothing, which is what I have so far. Sometimes I feel like a hack who gave up creative writing so I could take classes that would actually get me a job and I see how amazing my creative writer friends are and their love for poetry and all the readings they go to and awards they win and sometimes I think I could have been that and other times I think good thing you didn't try to be that because you'd fail AND be broke. There are certain people (ok maybe just one person) who I've avoided speaking with lately because I don't want to blow up at this person but I don't know how to resolve said drama and it's getting worse and worse. I don't like being petty. I want to be all cultured and drink red wine while listening to jazz and writing in a notebook and be as far from technology and people as possible. I want to smoke cherry cloves and have a deep voice even when I don't have a cold and write with a fountain pen (but not be stereotypical). I want to have a new name that sounds exotic but can still be pronounced without and accent and not sound pretentious when I talk and not have to judge people to feel better about myself and not pretend to be friends with people I can't stand simply because I don't want to piss anyone off. I want to write satire and be able to sip espresso without coughing and know slang for all kinds of drugs (but of course have given them all up years ago). I want to trust people and stop setting people up and finally set myself up with someone and have the high standards I have met by someone. I want to stop wanting things and start doing things. Current Mood: sick Current Music: Meshell Ndegeocello, Akel Dama (Field of Blood) (2 rose parades |say yes)
Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
9:55 pm	I got to suck it up, and savor the taste of my own failure... I do not like having a cold and not being able to breathe through my nose and I am sucking on really strong mints that I hope will help but I think they are going to burn a hole through my tongue. All of the places I applied to for internships still have not got back to me and keep saying they will soon and I'm worried that if I can't score a decent internship at a PR agency how the fuck will I be able to get a real job when I graduate? My friend Jenn got engaged yesterday and I know she reads this journal so congrats Jenn and Jon! My poetry has gone to shit lately and I am so bad at ending and titling poems and it's just all emo. I also get mixed reactions from people who I respect and I am having much trouble editing. Reh. I feel very out of place in several of my groups of friends. I get uncomfortable when two people who were previously each only close to me become close with eachother. I don't know if it's jealousy or greed or maybe it bothers me that people don't depend on me but regardless it upsets me and I think that's kind of sad. The National Day of Silence went spectacularly, except at the end during our Comedy Hour when someone was booed off the stage. She was literally silenced by hatred, and it was a horrible way to end such an amazing day. Other than that, it was great seeing so many people wearing our t-shirts and white ribbons and applauding our silence and a discussion with so many campus leaders coming together and I felt that all the effort made it worth it. There is one week left of classes and then all of my seniors are going to be gone and I know it's inevitable that I will lose touch with some of them and I sometimes wonder if they mean more to me than I mean to them or is it maybe vice-versa and is there ever a friendship that is 50/50 and fair? My posters are falling off of my walls and my laundry can't seem to stay in my hamper and I don't want to make my bed and everything is moving and changing and leaving and I'm not ready for it. Current Mood: sick Current Music: Ani Difranco, Wish I May (say yes)
Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
8:20 am	Then National Day of Silence The National Day of Silence A Day of Remembrance for those who have been silenced by hatred Wednesday, 20 April 2005 Buy a t-shirt or pick up a white ribbon at the table outside Doherty to show your support. Clothesline Project 10 AM - 5 PM, Connan Room Sponsored by the Sexual Assault Advisors Diversity Town Meeting "Breaking the Silence - Together" How do hate crimes affect minority groups? How can these groups work together to end hatred? Should they? 5 PM, Peter/Wright Rooms (UC) Sponsored by the Office of Student Affairs "Stand Up, Stand Out" Comedy Hour 8 PM, The Underground Sponsored by ALLIES and your student activities fee. E-mail allies@andrew.cmu.edu for more info. Current Mood: tired Current Music: Jeff Buckley, Lilac Wine (1 rose parade |say yes)
Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
11:56 pm	If I could, you know I would, just hold your hand, and understand... This was one hell of a week. Things alternated from being shitty to being amazing and I think I'm a better person for it. I cleared things up with a guy, and it made me feel a lot better. There's no more tension, and we can actually be friends without the whole "whoa does he like me thing?" going on. I love black olives. I got interviewed by Fitting Group yesterday, and the interview was hella good. It lasted like an hour, and I really liked the woman who interviewed me. Only downside is that it's unpaid, but hey, experience is worth it and I really fucking need more experience. Last night was incredible. We started by drinking some at my friend's house, but it wasn't amazingly exciting. Then someone decided we should go clubbing, and we ended up walking over to Club Havana. Now, I'm not twenty-one, but I figure, no harm in trying. Mind you, I was wearing a sweater and sneakers and I do not even look my age. The bouncer looked at my ID, saw my age, and looked back at me. I shrugged and he said what the hell and let me in with my friends. It was such an amazingly good time. I had a frozen margarita which was hella good, and danced for hours with two of my girlfriends. This was real music too, kids. None of this pre-packaged pop shit - old school hip hop all the way. I haven't had that much fun dancing...ever? I can't wait til I'm fuckin' 21. Yankee. Hotel. Foxtrot. I went to Gay Bingo today for the first time and my boss bought me a dobber and I saw scary scary Pgh drag queens and bad hairdos on the yinzers and I remembered why this city is not for me. Still, it was good times with people I love, and totally worth the price. As much as I hate construction and painting and manual labor, booth this year is going really well. I'm sore and have blisters and I love my ALLIES members so much. I want to gain rather than lose an hour and I want the hub to post the schedule of classes and I want to not have to deal with any more papers and I want to figure out the future and I want to stop being emo. Current Mood: sore Current Music: Wilco, I'm the Man Who Loves You (say yes)
Saturday, March 26th, 2005
11:01 pm	These crimes of illusion, are fooling us all... Last night I went to the gay club and beforehand I pregamed and I had three sour apple martinis and two rum and cokes and a shot of vodka. I was superbly drunk for the following two hours, as were many others including my little freshman who is taking over my job next year and whose TA I was last semester and I am corrupting her ohsomuch. Dancing with friends and grinding on the dancefloor and touching boys and girls and gayslesbiansbisexualstransgenders and everything in between can be fun. There were several times where I looked up and said why the fuck am I here and why is everyone around me singling Ashlee Simpson and no you do not make me want to lala thank you. The Oakland Review literary magazine accepted one of my poems and I was just a little shocked that it was of the caliber of the creative writing majors' poems that had been workshopped and honed and have meaning and purpose and whose authors had merit and my poem was written in my notebook on a bus when I still wrote in pencil. I went to a conference today and met thirty-odd new people who were all leaders in cultural organizations and I think some did a double take when they saw the gay man had been invited, because he had a culture too. We had to judge eachother with positive and negative cards and cooperate to build a salad and after seven hours with these people I hope we have more than just a facebook group to show it. My friend's grandmother, who I met once in my life but I love in a completely nonsensical way, sent me a giant red stuffed lizard and for some strange reason it made me cry that someone would go through all this trouble for someone they don't know. She has the biggest heart ever and is such a caring person and I hope to be that person one day. Whenever I say goodbye on the phone or internet to two of my best friends I tell them I looooooove them and mean every extra "o" of it and I know they do too. I tell myself I have the goal of getting a good internship and finding a good roomie and getting a 4.0 and finally getting some and I worry that none of the above will actually happen. One of of the pairs of candidates for Student Body President and Vice President put the logos of a bunch of organizations on their website without permission and I told them to take ALLIES' off and I ratted on them the other organizations and maybe I'm a bitch but that's not cool. I think I am too argumentative and I think I argue too much with certain people and I think I need to spend less time on and offline with said people because it is damaging and I am getting sick of it. I have several illogical desires right now including getting high, watching the sun rise, skydiving, messaging someone whose facebook profile intrigues me, dancing on my roof, shooting 151, mouthing off to a police officer, getting a pet, telling someone I used to have feelings for him, walking around naked and finding religion. Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: Portishead, Only You (say yes)
Thursday, March 17th, 2005
1:17 am	There are things you can't afford to know, so I save all my breath for the sails... I am going to skip my first class tomorrow morning because it is large and the professor is leaving at the end of the semester and doesn't seem to care and I like to sleep in. My Interpretive Practices prof said that her soul is in her thumb. She showed us clips from Boys Don't Cry and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert during our discussion on gender. I love both films, but she chose poor clips, and it was hard to come up with anything intriguing to say. I hate sounding pretentious, but most of what people say in that class is bullshit. I wish the class was more challenging. I wish I challenged myself. I spoke to the guy I liked earlier this semester today and I felt nothing. Which was good. I'm confident that, even if he told me today he liked me, I wouldn't go for him. Next! I need to find a roommate starting June. Anyone looking for a place to live? Internship hunting is becoming such a pain in the ass. OIE offered me the job I had last year again, but I'd really like something new. I steamed some asparagus today and it was AMAZING. We surprised my boss today with a birthday gift: a gift certificate to The Melting Pot. Fondue is probably more AMAZING than steamed asparagus. I had to research Ashlee Simpson's lip synching incident on SNL for my marketing class and it was hilarious. Stupid, stupid girl. Although, she's the one with millions of dollars, and I'm still looking for a summer job... I balanced a bottle of water on my head for ten minutes today just for the hell of it. I don't think that's a marketable skill. I miss spring break and salt water taffy isn't very good. I really like the smell of sangria and ( this is how I am feeling right now ) Current Mood: cynical Current Music: The Shins, Fighting in a Sack (1 rose parade |say yes)
Saturday, March 5th, 2005
4:22 am	When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye... Leaving for North Carolina in half an hour. I've been up since nine am and I saw Kill Bill again today and I watched the Sex in the City episode where Samantha finds out she has cancer. And "You are my people, so start talking." and Some glad morning when this life is over, I'll fly away. To a home on God's celestial shore, I'll fly away. I'll fly away, O Glory, I'll fly away. When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye, I'll fly away. When the shadows of this life have flown, I'll fly away. Like a bird thrown, driven by the storm, I'll fly away. I'll fly away, O Glory, I'll fly away. When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye, I'll fly away. Just a few more weary days and then, I'll fly away. To a land where joy shall never end, I'll fly away. I'll fly away, O Glory, I'll fly away. When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye, I'll fly away. and I miss my Bethy Jean. Ohsomuch. Current Mood: groggy Current Music: Kanye West, I'll Fly Away (say yes)
Thursday, February 24th, 2005
8:10 pm	You're only as loud as the noises you make... Sometimes I feel I should update, but have very little to say. Perhaps this entry won't be as boring to you all as it was to me as I wrote it down on the back of a handout in my my Human Rights class as we were talking about torture in Cambodia. Talking about torture for three.fucking.hours. really sucks. Why do I have to write a ten to fifteen page paper on this? MOSAIC was so fucking awesome. I got to hang with Gloria Steinem and hear her awesome talk and attend awesome sessions and I'm overusing the word awesome but it seriously was spectacular. I'm so glad I was part of the event. I hate only having one job this semester; my income has been cut in half and I've had to dip into savings. Reh. I've been craving pistachio ice cream for days. My room is a mess. I believe I'm caught in a love pentagon of sorts. But not really. My (lack of) love life is also a mess. I like alliteration. My roomie has been in Seattle for four days, and I love living alone. I think I'd get lonely after a while, but this break has been nice. Blasting my music, silence when I want it, the idea of not being watched by anyone. It's kind of nice. Episode one of season two of The L Word was a big disappointment. If I'm wasting an hour to watch TV, it should be good TV dammit. I need more music. Send me something good, please! ( Meme that actually sparked my interest... ) Current Mood: tired Current Music: Ani Difranco, My IQ (2 rose parades |say yes)
Saturday, February 12th, 2005
12:53 am	For a moment, your eyes open and you know, all the things I've wanted you to know... The Date Auction was damn awesome. We made $1600, which fucking rocked. The AIDS charities will be happy. I was bought by four of my closest friends. Thanks to everyone who helped out and came :) You all fucking rock! Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Keane, Your Eyes Open (2 rose parades |say yes)
Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
11:59 pm	Lonely? Come to the Valentine's Day Charity Date Auction! Friday, 11 Feb 2005 8 pm, Rangos I (UC) Free refreshments, Free massages, Free fun! All proceeds go to the Pittsburgh AIDS Task Force and the National YouthAIDS Foundation Sponsored by ALLIES, Sigma Phi Epsilon and Kappa Kappa Gamma Folks, I'm being auctioned, so please please please come and buy me! I'll love you forever if you do. We also have twenty-one other auctionees if, you know, you actually find people other than me hot ;) Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Sarah Slean, Blue Parade (5 rose parades |say yes)
Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
1:17 am	Well goodnight moon, I want the sun, If it's not here soon, I might be done... "Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be redefined by activist judges. For the good of families, children and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage. (Cheers, applause.) Because a society is measured by how it treats the weak and vulnerable, we must strive to build a culture of life. Medical research can help us reach that goal by developing treatments and cures that save lives and help people overcome disabilities, and I thank Congress for doubling the funding of the National Institutes of Health. (Applause.) To build a culture of life, we must also ensure that scientific advances always serve human dignity, not take advantage of some lives for the benefit of others. (Applause.) We should all be able to agree -- (applause) -- we should all be able to agree on some clear standards. I will work with Congress to ensure that human embryos are not created for experimentation or grown for body parts, and that human life is never bought or sold as a commodity. (Applause.)" ... What a great State of the Union address. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Shivaree, Goodnight Moon (14 rose parades |say yes)
Monday, January 31st, 2005
1:28 am	I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is... Baby when I saw you turning at the end of the street I knew a time was gone and it took me like ages Just to understand that I was afraid to be a simple guy I tried my best to smile but deep inside my heart I felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is Can't you hear it calling oh yeah Everybody's dancin' oh yeah Tonight everything is over I feel too young I can't lie on my bed without thinking I was wrong But when this feeling calls this world becomes another Nighttime won't hold me in your arms again I got a very good friend who says he can't believe the love I give Is not enough to end your fears I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is Can't you hear it calling oh yeah Everybody's shakin' oh yeah Tonight everything is over I feel too young Oh rainfalls and hard times coming they won't leave me tonight I wish I knew what I was doing Just do let this spirit survive Can't you hear me calling oh yeah I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is Can't you hear me calling oh yeah Everybody's dancing oh yeah Tonight everything is over I feel too young Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Phoenix, Too Young (say yes)
Friday, January 28th, 2005
12:38 am	Let it out and move on, missing what's gone, said life carries on.... This is my first angsty post in a while; please forgive it. I am having serious writers block. Which sucks when you're a writing major. Or maybe it's just that his assignment sucks because Interpretive Practices sucks. Who really needs literary theory? The Date Auction info session went well - people seem pretty excited about it. Restaurants are not being too cool about helping us out with gift certificates. Reh indeed. I think I like this kid and I'm thinking he's not really into me. Which really blows, because he's fuckin' awesome. Damn mixed signals. Damn having no balls. Damn having no idea what the hell to do. Damn getting differing advice from friends. Damn being in the bitter barn. I think the one thing I love about the cold is the numbness it brings. It goes straight to my head and I get lost when I'm outside. I like to take the longest paths to school, sometimes retracing my paths if I have time. I like to watch people from the corner of my eyes - not the exciting ones jabbering on their cell phones, but the lonely ones. The girl who gets made fun of for wearing black makeup, stepping to the beat of the noise from her headphones. The professor who awkwardly says hello to his students on his way to Starbucks, who gets scoffed at for supporting "The Man." The homeless guy who is trying direct traffic and, at best, is being ignored. The androgynous person in a baseball cap and plaid pants, always jogging, slightly. I like to think that I can one day write song lyrics or be able to recognize spices by smell or know every contour of someone's body. That one day I can say I've visited every major city in Europe or I have raised a child with good work ethic or I have saved a life. I like to think that I'll find someone who accepts every judgmental, shallow comment, as well as every intelligent, liberal-biased comment I make. I like to think my degrees won't be wasted, that I'll be able to come out to my family, that I will significantly contribute to some human rights movement. I like to think that's not idealism. I hate to know it is. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Peter Gabriel, I Grieve (say yes)
Saturday, January 8th, 2005
3:40 pm	We at war with terrorism, racism, and most of all we at war with ourselves... Back in Pittsburgh. So happy to see everyone, so nervous about classes. LA was so awesome. Good people, good food, good shopping, good times indeed. Kanye West is pretty awesome. I don't want to unpack. I made a killer chick pea salad for lunch. Or is it garbanzo bean? That Sounds too much like a muppet to me though. I sent 4246 e-mails in the year 2004. That's about fifteen a day. Over one-third of them were to my boss. Kind of sad, eh? I watched Mean Girls for the sixth time last night. Even sadder, right? ( Oh, and speaking of... ) Current Mood: calm Current Music: Kanye West, Jesus Walks (say yes)
Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
3:59 am	Can't run around in circles if you want to build a life... Editor's Note: I will be in LA in less than twelve hours. ( Stolen from Ashe ) Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Green Day, J.A.R. (2 rose parades |say yes)
Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
1:52 pm	I don't care about anything but you... It's so wonderful to be done with everything. If I didn't have next semester, plus internship hunting, plus financial crap, plus what the fuck do I want to do with my life looming above me, I'd be more relaxed. But still, sleeping in every day is pretty damn nice. Last Friday was my last night of the year in Pgh, and it was wonderful. We partied until something like 3:30, and I got so drunkity drunk drunk. I was still drunk on the plane that morning (6 am) and flirting with the stewardess. Definitely an adventure. I've been watching the Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes on MTV. The show is hilarious. This one character Coral is such a bitch. I bet I'd get along really well w/her. I like Tina a lot too. I think the two of them are going to have a catfight soon. Stay tuned! Today I am going downtown with Jennifer, and then hanging with the high school gang. We're talking good times indeed, kids. The Republican Party called my home phone today to do a survey. They wanted to speak to the the "registered voter of the household." I answered, since my father wasn't home, and I do love fucking with the Republican Party. They asked my stances on abortion (if I was pro-life or anti-life), same-sex marriage (if I was for or against an amendment protecting the sanctity of marriage), and gun control (whether or not I wanted to give up my ability to defend myself). Yeah, no bias at all. Current Mood: content Current Music: The Cardigans, Lovefool (4 rose parades |say yes)
Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
12:49 am	Copy copy copy everyone else... Yet another study break! This thing has been going around, and since I'm such a follower, I'll join the club. Step 1: Put your media player on random. Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 songs that play. [no matter how embarrassing] Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from. Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly. ( The Lyrics ) Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: The Cranberries, Copy Cat (12 rose parades |say yes)
Monday, December 13th, 2004
10:16 pm	Whatever happened to my lunchbox? In the midst of finals, some Maureen Dowd for your amusement: ( The 12 Days of Rummying ) Current Mood: stressed Current Music: John Mayer, 83 (say yes)
Sunday, December 12th, 2004
3:53 pm	She's got eyes of the bluest skies, as if they thought of rain.., what decade does your personality live in? quiz brought to you by lady interference, ltd Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: Guns and Roses, Sweet Child of Mine (say yes)