Ballad of Big Nothing

For the love you bring, won't mean a thing, unless you sing, sing, sing, sing...

2005-06-18T04:53:56Z

Summer seems to already have past me by. I don't even remember how it started, but I am now constantly working or seeing friends or reading in the sun or cooking or not having a care in the world.
It's very strange to not be overworking myself and to have time to relax and play hearts and have a drink on Wednesday nights with my wonderful roomie and learn racquetball and buy organic produce and sleep on the roof and
I'm not really comfortable yet.
I miss most everyone who is not here terribly.
I am three days too young to see Duncan Sheik at Club Cafe.
Orbit's bubblegum flavor is rather weak.
My friends and I are taking a hip hop dance class which is rather awesome and I'm not the only guy there and we all look awkward and goofy so it's OK.
Many of my friends' relationships are falling apart and I am holding their hands through it but it just reinforces that I am still single and
I wonder when I'm going to need to ask a friend to hold my hand during a break up.
Tomorrow is the Pittsburgh PrideFest. I don't really like Pride very much, as whole. I see no point in being proud of something that I can't control; I'd rather be proud of my accomplishments. Pride, in a lot of ways, really segregates people more than bring us together. However, tomorrow I'll be off my high horse and march and shout and check out the hot guys and be fabulous. I'm really not sure why.
It's amazing how, once someone is gone, you realize if you truly cared for them or couldn't stand them. It's even more amazing how easy it is to forget people, and to be forgotten.
One of my coworkers is 78 years old and has been working for the department for thirty years. Before that, he was a priest, but he fell in love with a nun, and they got married. They had to get their vows revoked by the Pope and
that is what makes me believe in the future. Sadly, his wife was hit by a car yesterday, so please keep her in your thoughts.
I have a new appreciation for: the elderly, double sided tape, television, limes, cordorouy, Pittsburgh, iTunes, and Samantha Power.
I currently dislike: silence, spiders, bad haircuts, soy cheese, He's Just Not That Into You, lesbian drama, the word "retarded," and several Congressmen.
I'm going to be very "motivational speaker" and end with a quote:
"Write what should not be forgotten."
-Isabel Allende

I think there is no more powerful thing than poetry, there is no stronger thing than song....

2005-05-03T05:29:12Z

This weeked one of my friends made me promise to be a big part of her life next year and
that shook me a bit.
There are so many people whose lives I want to be a part of, who need to be around and who I just am not making the effort to be around. At a school where the idea of free time is, just that, an idea, I think I miss out on so many possibilies, so many adventures, and so many memories I might have. That, I think, is the saddest part of being a student here.
I had my last meeting with my boss today for my intern position. In two years, I can say, without exaggerating, that we've done amazing things to improve GLBT Issues on campus. But now there's someone new taking my place, who will make more progress, who will spend hours hearing stories about my boss's crazy cat lady next door neighbor and who will be asked to be on all the committees I was on and who will be amazing and
I'll have to stop myself from stepping on her toes. She's a good friend of mine, and I was her TA and I love everything about her and I know she'll succeed. I just need more self control.
I love how you can just tell Health Services you have a cold and they give you a bag of fun.
I have too too too many finals and I should be doing them now instead of writing some boring emo crap but writing this crap calms me down some. Or something.
I interviewed for an internship with CMU's Media Relations and while it's not an ideal job it pays well and I can improve my writing skills and it's better than absolutely nothing, which is what I have so far.
Sometimes I feel like a hack who gave up creative writing so I could take classes that would actually get me a job and I see how amazing my creative writer friends are and their love for poetry and all the readings they go to and awards they win and sometimes I think I could have been that and other times I think good thing you didn't try to be that because you'd fail AND be broke.
There are certain people (ok maybe just one person) who I've avoided speaking with lately because I don't want to blow up at this person but I don't know how to resolve said drama and it's getting worse and worse. I don't like being petty.
I want to be all cultured and drink red wine while listening to jazz and writing in a notebook and be as far from technology and people as possible. I want to smoke cherry cloves and have a deep voice even when I don't have a cold and write with a fountain pen (but not be stereotypical).
I want to have a new name that sounds exotic but can still be pronounced without and accent and not sound pretentious when I talk and not have to judge people to feel better about myself and not pretend to be friends with people I can't stand simply because I don't want to piss anyone off.
I want to write satire and be able to sip espresso without coughing and know slang for all kinds of drugs (but of course have given them all up years ago).
I want to trust people and stop setting people up and finally set myself up with someone and have the high standards I have met by someone.
I want to stop wanting things and start doing things.

I got to suck it up, and savor the taste of my own failure...

2005-04-24T02:07:08Z

I do not like having a cold and not being able to breathe through my nose and I am sucking on really strong mints that I hope will help but I think they are going to burn a hole through my tongue.
All of the places I applied to for internships still have not got back to me and keep saying they will soon and
I'm worried that if I can't score a decent internship at a PR agency how the fuck will I be able to get a real job when I graduate?
My friend Jenn got engaged yesterday and I know she reads this journal so congrats Jenn and Jon!
My poetry has gone to shit lately and I am so bad at ending and titling poems and it's just all emo. I also get mixed reactions from people who I respect and I am having much trouble editing. Reh.
I feel very out of place in several of my groups of friends. I get uncomfortable when two people who were previously each only close to me become close with eachother. I don't know if it's jealousy or greed or maybe it bothers me that people don't depend on me but regardless it upsets me and
I think that's kind of sad.
The National Day of Silence went spectacularly, except at the end during our Comedy Hour when someone was booed off the stage. She was literally silenced by hatred, and it was a horrible way to end such an amazing day. Other than that, it was great seeing so many people wearing our t-shirts and white ribbons and applauding our silence and a discussion with so many campus leaders coming together and
I felt that all the effort made it worth it.
There is one week left of classes and then all of my seniors are going to be gone and I know it's inevitable that I will lose touch with some of them and I sometimes wonder if they mean more to me than I mean to them or is it maybe vice-versa and is there ever a friendship that is 50/50 and
fair?
My posters are falling off of my walls and my laundry can't seem to stay in my hamper and I don't want to make my bed and everything is moving and changing and leaving and
I'm not ready for it.

Then National Day of Silence

2005-04-19T12:22:14Z

The National Day of Silence
A Day of Remembrance for those who have been silenced by hatred
Wednesday, 20 April 2005

Buy a t-shirt or pick up a white ribbon at the table outside Doherty to show your support.

Clothesline Project
10 AM - 5 PM, Connan Room
Sponsored by the Sexual Assault Advisors

Diversity Town Meeting "Breaking the Silence - Together"
How do hate crimes affect minority groups? How can these groups work together to end hatred? Should they?
5 PM, Peter/Wright Rooms (UC)
Sponsored by the Office of Student Affairs

"Stand Up, Stand Out" Comedy Hour
8 PM, The Underground

Sponsored by ALLIES and your student activities fee. E-mail allies@andrew.cmu.edu for more info.

If I could, you know I would, just hold your hand, and understand...

2005-04-03T05:28:12Z

This was one hell of a week. Things alternated from being shitty to being amazing and
I think I'm a better person for it.
I cleared things up with a guy, and it made me feel a lot better. There's no more tension, and we can actually be friends without the whole "whoa does he like me thing?" going on.
I love black olives.
I got interviewed by Fitting Group yesterday, and the interview was hella good. It lasted like an hour, and I really liked the woman who interviewed me. Only downside is that it's unpaid, but hey, experience is worth it and
I really fucking need more experience.
Last night was incredible. We started by drinking some at my friend's house, but it wasn't amazingly exciting. Then someone decided we should go clubbing, and we ended up walking over to Club Havana. Now, I'm not twenty-one, but I figure, no harm in trying. Mind you, I was wearing a sweater and sneakers and I do not even look my age. The bouncer looked at my ID, saw my age, and looked back at me. I shrugged and
he said what the hell and let me in with my friends. It was such an amazingly good time. I had a frozen margarita which was hella good, and danced for hours with two of my girlfriends. This was real music too, kids. None of this pre-packaged pop shit - old school hip hop all the way. I haven't had that much fun dancing...ever? I can't wait til I'm fuckin' 21.
Yankee. Hotel. Foxtrot.
I went to Gay Bingo today for the first time and my boss bought me a dobber and I saw scary scary Pgh drag queens and bad hairdos on the yinzers and
I remembered why this city is not for me. Still, it was good times with people I love, and totally worth the price.
As much as I hate construction and painting and manual labor, booth this year is going really well. I'm sore and have blisters and
I love my ALLIES members so much.
I want to gain rather than lose an hour and I want the hub to post the schedule of classes and I want to not have to deal with any more papers and I want to figure out the future and
I want to stop being emo.

These crimes of illusion, are fooling us all...

2005-03-27T04:43:23Z

Last night I went to the gay club and beforehand I pregamed and
I had three sour apple martinis and two rum and cokes and a shot of vodka. I was superbly drunk for the following two hours, as were many others including my little freshman who is taking over my job next year and whose TA I was last semester and
I am corrupting her ohsomuch.
Dancing with friends and grinding on the dancefloor and touching boys and girls and gayslesbiansbisexualstransgenders and everything in between can be fun. There were several times where I looked up and said why the fuck am I here and why is everyone around me singling Ashlee Simpson and
no you do not make me want to lala thank you.
The Oakland Review literary magazine accepted one of my poems and I was just a little shocked that it was of the caliber of the creative writing majors' poems that had been workshopped and honed and have meaning and purpose and whose authors had merit and
my poem was written in my notebook on a bus when I still wrote in pencil.
I went to a conference today and met thirty-odd new people who were all leaders in cultural organizations and I think some did a double take when they saw the gay man had been invited, because he had a culture too. We had to judge eachother with positive and negative cards and cooperate to build a salad and after seven hours with these people I hope we have more than just a facebook group to show it.
My friend's grandmother, who I met once in my life but I love in a completely nonsensical way, sent me a giant red stuffed lizard and for some strange reason it made me cry that someone would go through all this trouble for someone they don't know. She has the biggest heart ever and is such a caring person and
I hope to be that person one day.
Whenever I say goodbye on the phone or internet to two of my best friends I tell them I looooooove them and mean every extra "o" of it and I know they do too.
I tell myself I have the goal of getting a good internship and finding a good roomie and getting a 4.0 and finally getting some and
I worry that none of the above will actually happen.
One of of the pairs of candidates for Student Body President and Vice President put the logos of a bunch of organizations on their website without permission and I told them to take ALLIES' off and I ratted on them the other organizations and
maybe I'm a bitch but that's not cool.
I think I am too argumentative and I think I argue too much with certain people and I think I need to spend less time on and offline with said people because it is damaging and
I am getting sick of it.
I have several illogical desires right now including getting high, watching the sun rise, skydiving, messaging someone whose facebook profile intrigues me, dancing on my roof, shooting 151, mouthing off to a police officer, getting a pet, telling someone I used to have feelings for him, walking around naked and
finding religion.

There are things you can't afford to know, so I save all my breath for the sails...

2005-03-17T06:48:03Z

I am going to skip my first class tomorrow morning because it is large and the professor is leaving at the end of the semester and doesn't seem to care and I like to sleep in.
My Interpretive Practices prof said that her soul is in her thumb.
She showed us clips from Boys Don't Cry and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert during our discussion on gender. I love both films, but she chose poor clips, and it was hard to come up with anything intriguing to say. I hate sounding pretentious, but most of what people say in that class is bullshit. I wish the class was more challenging.
I wish I challenged myself.
I spoke to the guy I liked earlier this semester today and
I felt nothing. Which was good. I'm confident that, even if he told me today he liked me, I wouldn't go for him. Next!
I need to find a roommate starting June. Anyone looking for a place to live?
Internship hunting is becoming such a pain in the ass. OIE offered me the job I had last year again, but I'd really like something new.
I steamed some asparagus today and
it was AMAZING.
We surprised my boss today with a birthday gift: a gift certificate to The Melting Pot.
Fondue is probably more AMAZING than steamed asparagus.
I had to research Ashlee Simpson's lip synching incident on SNL for my marketing class and
it was hilarious. Stupid, stupid girl. Although, she's the one with millions of dollars, and I'm still looking for a summer job...
I balanced a bottle of water on my head for ten minutes today just for the hell of it.
I don't think that's a marketable skill.
I miss spring break and
salt water taffy isn't very good.

I really like the smell of sangria and

Humanity i love you
because you would rather black the boots of
success than enquire whose soul dangles from his
watch-chain which would be embarrassing for both

parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words country home and
mother when sung at the old howard

Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush pride keeps

you from the pawn shops and
because you are continually committing
nuisances but more
especially in your own house

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down

on it
and because you are
forever making poems in the lap
of death Humanity

i hate you
-e.e. cummings

When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye...

2005-03-05T09:28:17Z

Leaving for North Carolina in half an hour.
I've been up since nine am and
I saw Kill Bill again today and
I watched the Sex in the City episode where Samantha finds out she has cancer.
And "You are my people, so start talking."

and

Some glad morning when this life is over,
I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.

I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.

When the shadows of this life have flown,
I'll fly away.
Like a bird thrown, driven by the storm,
I'll fly away.

I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away.
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away.

I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.

and

I miss my Bethy Jean.
Ohsomuch.

You're only as loud as the noises you make...

2005-02-25T01:43:11Z

Sometimes I feel I should update, but have very little to say.
Perhaps this entry won't be as boring to you all as it was to me as I wrote it down on the back of a handout in my my Human Rights class as we were talking about torture in Cambodia.
Talking about torture for three.fucking.hours. really sucks. Why do I have to write a ten to fifteen page paper on this?
MOSAIC was so fucking awesome. I got to hang with Gloria Steinem and hear her awesome talk and attend awesome sessions and I'm overusing the word awesome but it seriously was spectacular. I'm so glad I was part of the event.
I hate only having one job this semester; my income has been cut in half and I've had to dip into savings. Reh.
I've been craving pistachio ice cream for days.
My room is a mess.
I believe I'm caught in a love pentagon of sorts. But not really. My (lack of) love life is also a mess.
I like alliteration.
My roomie has been in Seattle for four days, and I love living alone. I think I'd get lonely after a while, but this break has been nice. Blasting my music, silence when I want it, the idea of not being watched by anyone. It's kind of nice.
Episode one of season two of The L Word was a big disappointment. If I'm wasting an hour to watch TV, it should be good TV dammit.
I need more music. Send me something good, please!

10 Things I've Done That You Probably Haven't

1) Had my ice cream stolen by a monkey in a village in India.
2) Been forced to shave my head for a religious ceremony
3) Had a sexual encounter in a library
4) Been hit by a car
5) Taken care of six kids with Down's Syndrome (one of them being my brother) for four hours
6) Watched a woman give birth
7) Seen Green Day in concert over fifteen times (this was during my middle school/early high school obsession, DON'T JUDGE ME!)
8) Visited a prison
9) Been fluent in a dialect that is purely oral and is slowly dying
10) Been a victim of racial profiling

For a moment, your eyes open and you know, all the things I've wanted you to know...

2005-02-12T05:56:45Z

The Date Auction was damn awesome.
We made $1600, which fucking rocked. The AIDS charities will be happy.
I was bought by four of my closest friends.
Thanks to everyone who helped out and came :)
You all fucking rock!

Lonely?

2005-02-10T05:01:39Z

Come to the
Valentine's Day Charity Date Auction!

Friday, 11 Feb 2005
8 pm, Rangos I (UC)
Free refreshments, Free massages, Free fun!
All proceeds go to the Pittsburgh AIDS Task Force and the National YouthAIDS Foundation
Sponsored by ALLIES, Sigma Phi Epsilon and Kappa Kappa Gamma

Folks, I'm being auctioned, so please please please come and buy me! I'll love you forever if you do. We also have twenty-one other auctionees if, you know, you actually find people other than me hot ;)

Well goodnight moon, I want the sun, If it's not here soon, I might be done...

2005-02-03T06:25:25Z

"Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be redefined by activist judges. For the good of families, children and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage. (Cheers, applause.)

Because a society is measured by how it treats the weak and vulnerable, we must strive to build a culture of life.

Medical research can help us reach that goal by developing treatments and cures that save lives and help people overcome disabilities, and I thank Congress for doubling the funding of the National Institutes of Health. (Applause.)

To build a culture of life, we must also ensure that scientific advances always serve human dignity, not take advantage of some lives for the benefit of others. (Applause.) We should all be able to agree -- (applause) -- we should all be able to agree on some clear standards. I will work with Congress to ensure that human embryos are not created for experimentation or grown for body parts, and that human life is never bought or sold as a commodity. (Applause.)"

...

What a great State of the Union address.

I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is...

2005-01-31T06:29:52Z

Baby when I saw you turning at the end of the street
I knew a time was gone and it took me like ages
Just to understand that I was afraid to be a simple guy
I tried my best to smile but deep inside my heart
I felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing
I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is
Can't you hear it calling oh yeah
Everybody's dancin' oh yeah
Tonight everything is over
I feel too young
I can't lie on my bed without thinking I was wrong
But when this feeling calls this world becomes another
Nighttime won't hold me in your arms again
I got a very good friend who says he can't believe the love I give
Is not enough to end your fears
I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is
Can't you hear it calling oh yeah
Everybody's shakin' oh yeah
Tonight everything is over
I feel too young
Oh rainfalls and hard times coming they won't leave me tonight
I wish I knew what I was doing
Just do let this spirit survive
Can't you hear me calling oh yeah
I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is
Can't you hear me calling oh yeah
Everybody's dancing oh yeah
Tonight everything is over
I feel too young

Let it out and move on, missing what's gone, said life carries on....

2005-01-28T06:13:40Z

This is my first angsty post in a while; please forgive it.
I am having serious writers block. Which sucks when you're a writing major. Or maybe it's just that his assignment sucks because Interpretive Practices sucks. Who really needs literary theory?
The Date Auction info session went well - people seem pretty excited about it. Restaurants are not being too cool about helping us out with gift certificates. Reh indeed.
I think I like this kid and I'm thinking he's not really into me. Which really blows, because he's fuckin' awesome. Damn mixed signals. Damn having no balls. Damn having no idea what the hell to do. Damn getting differing advice from friends. Damn being in the bitter barn.

I think the one thing I love about the cold is the numbness it brings. It goes straight to my head and I get lost when I'm outside. I like to take the longest paths to school, sometimes retracing my paths if I have time. I like to watch people from the corner of my eyes - not the exciting ones jabbering on their cell phones, but the lonely ones. The girl who gets made fun of for wearing black makeup, stepping to the beat of the noise from her headphones. The professor who awkwardly says hello to his students on his way to Starbucks, who gets scoffed at for supporting "The Man." The homeless guy who is trying direct traffic and, at best, is being ignored. The androgynous person in a baseball cap and plaid pants, always jogging, slightly.

I like to think that I can one day write song lyrics or be able to recognize spices by smell or know every contour of someone's body. That one day I can say I've visited every major city in Europe or I have raised a child with good work ethic or I have saved a life. I like to think that I'll find someone who accepts every judgmental, shallow comment, as well as every intelligent, liberal-biased comment I make. I like to think my degrees won't be wasted, that I'll be able to come out to my family, that I will significantly contribute to some human rights movement. I like to think that's not idealism.

I hate to know it is.

We at war with terrorism, racism, and most of all we at war with ourselves...

2005-01-08T20:57:04Z

Back in Pittsburgh. So happy to see everyone, so nervous about classes.
LA was so awesome. Good people, good food, good shopping, good times indeed.
Kanye West is pretty awesome.
I don't want to unpack.
I made a killer chick pea salad for lunch. Or is it garbanzo bean? That Sounds too much like a muppet to me though.
I sent 4246 e-mails in the year 2004. That's about fifteen a day. Over one-third of them were to my boss. Kind of sad, eh?
I watched Mean Girls for the sixth time last night. Even sadder, right?

Regina George

Which Mean Girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Can't run around in circles if you want to build a life...

2004-12-29T09:19:58Z

Editor's Note: I will be in LA in less than twelve hours.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Listened to internet radio stations (and now I'm hooked!).

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't really do the resolutions thing. I tried to incorperate more "me" time this year, but failed.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Mariestella and Jerome's wife (both darling little girls!).

4. Did anyone close to you die?
A friend from high school, in Iraq. One of the most shocking and saddening moments of my life.

5. What places did you visit?
Chicago, NYC, Buffalo, and LA (as of tomorrow).

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Edward Norton, in bed. Or how about a boyfriend?

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
3 November 2004. Bush officially wins the election. I cry.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Continuing to lead ALLIES well, writing poetry that didn't suck, getting closer to many people in Pgh and even some from high school.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing a close friend, forgetting how to relax, not giving enough time to people who need it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Temporary insanity when I feel for one or two guys...

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new laptop, or plane tickets to all of the fabulous cities (and friends) I visited.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Barack Obama!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Ann Coulter

14. Where did most of your money go?
Plane tickets, good restaurants, clothes. Yes, I'm a snob.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Kerry winning the election. Then, I was really, really, really disappointed.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Death Cab for Cutie, We Looked Like Giants.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
I think I'm not as happy, but I'm more experienced, and learned a lot this year that makes up for the lack of happiness.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Given my time to my friends, given my time to sleep.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Working/studying/TAing/being an overachiever.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Watched Ocean's 12 with my cousin, was disappointed. Cooked pancakes with Jisela, was not disappointed.

21. How will you be spending New Year's?
In LA! With two of my best friends :)

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
No. I just fell in lust.

23. How many one-night stands?
Uh...one or two...ok three, max.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Sex and the City!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Karl Rove. Well, I don't hate anyone. But I'm pretty pissed at him.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. So well written!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Death Cab for Cutie, who I had previously heard, but now love.

28. What did you want and get?
Many hugs.

29. What did you want and not get?
Many kisses.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I might have to go with Ashe and say Mean Girls.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Shopping and an awesome party at my apt!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less work!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Realizing that clothes that cost more are sometimes worth it. But Target is still my favorite place ever.

34. What kept you sane?
My friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Physically, Edward Norton. Mentally, Jon Stewart.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election. Gay marriage. North Korea.

37. Who did you miss?
My brother, my DC gang.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
The new ALLIES kids!

38.b. Side question...who would you like to get to know better?
The new ALLIES kids who stuck around!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Not to sweat the little things, and learn to have fun!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Don't let the bastards grind you down." - U2

I don't care about anything but you...

2004-12-21T19:06:02Z

It's so wonderful to be done with everything. If I didn't have next semester, plus internship hunting, plus financial crap, plus what the fuck do I want to do with my life looming above me, I'd be more relaxed. But still, sleeping in every day is pretty damn nice.
Last Friday was my last night of the year in Pgh, and it was wonderful. We partied until something like 3:30, and I got so drunkity drunk drunk. I was still drunk on the plane that morning (6 am) and flirting with the stewardess. Definitely an adventure.
I've been watching the Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes on MTV. The show is hilarious. This one character Coral is such a bitch. I bet I'd get along really well w/her. I like Tina a lot too. I think the two of them are going to have a catfight soon. Stay tuned!
Today I am going downtown with Jennifer, and then hanging with the high school gang. We're talking good times indeed, kids.
The Republican Party called my home phone today to do a survey. They wanted to speak to the the "registered voter of the household." I answered, since my father wasn't home, and I do love fucking with the Republican Party. They asked my stances on abortion (if I was pro-life or anti-life), same-sex marriage (if I was for or against an amendment protecting the sanctity of marriage), and gun control (whether or not I wanted to give up my ability to defend myself). Yeah, no bias at all.

Copy copy copy everyone else...

2004-12-15T06:37:46Z

Yet another study break!
This thing has been going around, and since I'm such a follower, I'll join the club.

Step 1: Put your media player on random.
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 songs that play. [no matter how embarrassing]
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly.

1) ~~"You make me feel like a candy apple all red and horny"~~ (Paula Cole, Feelin' Love - ambassadorko)
2) "But I haven't seen Barbados, so I must get out of this"
3) "Because you're fruitful, beautiful, smart, lovable, huggable, doable like art"
4) "Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp, demolition woman can I be your man?"
5) "And I dreamt I saw the bombers, riding shotgun in the sky"
6) "You push me away bitterly, my apologies fall on your deaf ears"
7) "I ain't no psychiatrist, I ain't no doctor with degrees"
8) ~~"The Calvin Klien Model - Steve gotta go - who lives in Penthouse A?"~~ (RENT Soundtrack, We're OK - angelinawannabe)
9) ~~"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming"~~(Goo Goo Dolls, Iris - ambassadorko)
10) "I walk into an empty room, and suddenly my heart goes boom"
11) "He recorrido ya el mundo entero, y una cosa te vengo a decir"
12) "Oh shit, there you go again, speaking can't be a sin"
13) "I am the lonliness that lives inside of every man"
14) "I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on"
15) ~~"Record number four, but we on the road, hold up, slow up, stop, control"~~ (Outkast, Bombs over Baghdad - ambassadorko)
16) ~~"Making my way downtown, walking fast, faces pass, and I'm home bound"~~ (Vanessa Carlton, A Thousand Miles - angelinawannabe)
17) "It takes a stiff upper lip just to hold up my face"
18) "How can you stop the rain from falling down?"
19) "When everybody loves you, you can never be lonely"
20) "Your revolution will not happen between these thighs"
21) ~~"'Cause you can look right through me, walk right by me"~~ (Chicago Soundtrack, Mr. Cellophane - ambassadorko)
22) "But I don't wanna make a plan, for a day far away"
23) "I could make you satisfied in everything you do"
24) ~~"The dress you wore, the pretty shoes, are things I left, behind for you"~~ (Sleater-Kinney, One More Hour - meerasedai)
25) "Now, when he holds me in his arms, he sets my soul on fire"

Whatever happened to my lunchbox?

2004-12-14T03:21:32Z

In the midst of finals, some Maureen Dowd for your amusement:

The 12 Days of Rummying

By MAUREEN DOWD

On the first day of Christmas,
my Rummy sent to me
a Saddam pigeon in a palm tree.
Not knowing Osama's address,
Rummy hastened to 'Potamia - and a mess,
exhorting his pal Cheney,
"Let's bomb Baghdad again, golly gee!"

On the second day of Christmas,
my Rummy sent to me
two dead-ender turtle doves
(Colin and Kofi),
flowers and chocolates from the ninny Chalabi,
and a billion Arabs mad at me.

On the third day of Christmas,
my Rummy sent to me
three French henpeckers and imaginary W.M.D.
And 300 tons of lost explosives
going BOOM! everywhere.
Rummy tried for a Vin Diesel movie,
when he should have heeded General Shinseki.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my Rummy sent to me
four cuckoo birds -
Wolfie, Perle, Feith and Condi.
The cost of empire on the cheap will be steep.
How did Rummy get a job guarantee?

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my Rummy sent to me
five Pentagon rings.
Rummy wanted to go down in history
by transforming the military.
But many G.I.'s feel cheated,
that their forces and matériel are depleted.
Stop Loss and Stuff Happens, by Jiminy!

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my Rummy sent to me
six German shepherds teeth a-baring.
A hooded man attached to wires,
Abu Ghraib and Army liars,
Red Cross in the dark
about dogs that liked to bark.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
my Rummy sent to me
regime change that wasn't free,
our troops sitting ducks for I.E.D.
(Improvised Explosive Devices,
dear me)
Rummy is another sort of I.E.D.
(Instant Excuses for Disaster,
"I'm an old man, don't you see?")

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my Rummy sent to me
eight Osama videotapes.
The Bushie fever with Saddam
left Osama free to scram.
Invading Iraq was an Xmas gift
for bin Laden - a recruiting lift.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my Rummy sent to me
Iran and North Korea
on a nuclear buildup spree.
Nine mullahs a-proliferating,
as our military's straining.
The Bushies were fixated on Iraq,
but Saddam's weapons were merely the mock.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my Rummy sent to me
ten Gitmo lawyers a-leaping.
What cares he
about civil liberty?

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my Rummy sent to me
eleven generals a-hyping that the war is just dandy,
while our spooks are warning
that civil war and theocracy are a-borning
as the Kid in the Oval feels free
to consult a Higher Authority.
Burkas, turbans and beards you'll see
after the puppet Allawi.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my Rummy sent to me
a brave grunt from Tennessee
griping about his unarmored Humvee.
No twelve drummers drumming,
but twelve soldiers thrumming,
complaints to Rummy keep coming,
but the septuagenarian's not admitting
that the Iraq resistance isn't quitting.
The Ghost of Christmas Past, Mekong Delta,
is clanking after Rummy in Samarra.
Eleven generals spinning,
Ten Gitmo lawyers not grinning,
Nine Iranian mullahs Iraq annexing,
Eight Osama tapes perplexing,
Seven bombs a-scaring,
Six German geese bewaring,
Five Pentagon rings,
Four cuckoos a-raving,
Three French hens appeasing,
Two dead doves,
And a Saddam pigeon sparking an insurgency.

She's got eyes of the bluest skies, as if they thought of rain..,

2004-12-12T20:56:20Z

what decade does your personality live in?

quiz brought to you by lady interference, ltd

I don't know if I was the boxer or the bag...

2004-12-10T03:03:59Z

The semester is almost over, yet things are busier than ever.
I had three portfolios due today, and in preparing them, I really saw how much I learned and grew as a writer/designer this semester. I have a long way to go, but it's nice to know this education thing isn't worthless.
I love having a Minora in the apartment.
The professor who I TA for took me out to dinner today. I really loved being a TA this semester, even with all the annoying grading and obnoxious students. It feels good to have taught someone something. The hardest part of TA was when we caught someone cheating. I've never had a problem confronting someone, but watching that kid cry was really painful. I want to TA next semester, but with the 66 units and intern position I have, it's not feasible. My advisor seems to be very upset that I am taking this on, but she's letting me, which is nice.
I really like the Tibetan lady who stands outside of Snow Lion Imports. She's my buddy.
Today was the last day of poetry, so we had a wine party and read bad poetry. Most notable were the poems from Jimmy Stewart's Collected Poems (who knew he wrote?). Stewart would actually introduce each poem with a 2 page essay on what it meant. So we were never confused. This was my favorite:

Beau

He never came to me when I would call
Unless I had a tennis ball,
Or he felt like it,
But mostly he didn't come at all.

When he was young
He never learned to heel
Or sit or stay,
He did things his way.

Discipline was not his bag
But when you were with him things sure didn't drag.
He'd dig up a rosebush just to spite me,
And when I'd grab him, he'd turn and bite me.

He bit lots of folks from day to day,
The delivery boy was his favorite prey.
The gas man wouldn't read our meter,
He said we owned a real man-eater.

He set the house on fire
But the story's long to tell.
Suffice it to say that he survived
And the house survived as well.

On the evening walks, and Gloria took him,
He was always first out the door.
The Old One and I brought up the rear
Because our bones were sore.

He would charge up the street with Mom hanging on,
What a beautiful pair they were!
And if it was still light and the tourists were out,
They created a bit of a stir.

But every once in a while, he would stop in his tracks
And with a frown on his face look around.
It was just to make sure that the Old One was there
And would follow him where he was bound.

We are early-to-bedders at our house--
I guess I'm the first to retire.
And as I'd leave the room he'd look at me

And get up from his place by the fire.

He knew where the tennis balls were upstairs,
And I'd give him one for a while.
He would push it under the bed with his nose
And I'd fish it out with a smile.

And before very long
He'd tire of the ball
And be asleep in his corner
In no time at all.

And there were nights when I'd feel him
Climb upon our bed
And lie between us,
And I'd pat his head.

And there were nights when I'd feel this stare
And I'd wake up and he'd be sitting there
And I reach out my hand and stroke his hair.
And sometimes I'd feel him sigh
and I think I know the reason why.

He would wake up at night
And he would have this fear
Of the dark, of life, of lots of things,
And he'd be glad to have me near.

And now he's dead.
And there are nights when I think I feel him
Climb upon our bed and lie between us,
And I pat his head.

And there are nights when I think
I feel that stare
And I reach out my hand to stroke his hair,
But he's not there.

Oh, how I wish that wasn't so,
I'll always love a dog named Beau.

And I know it wasn't right, but it felt so good

2004-12-06T05:44:44Z

I wonder how much writing it will take to give me carpel tunnel. I've noticed that I actually type faster using only six of my fingers. I supposed this will be useful if some ever get cut off.
It baffles me that in one year I will be finished with my undergraduate education. I find it hard to believe that I've learned enough to find a career and be successful. Either I will fail horribly in the workplace, or I will do fine, and realize that what I've learned by then is enough. Both of those prospects are distressing.
The more than I become a "corporate whore" the less I object to it. Where do we draw the line on self-love and ethics?
I feel like I've been a bad roommate. I wish I had more time to spend with my roommate. I don't even have time to eat dinner with her, and I take my food to my room to do homework while I eat. I feel really bad about it.
I reread The Bell Jar last week. I had forgotten how much that novel affects me. I actually cried during class and was embarrassed by the professor. Before college, suicide was a mere concept, not something that was ever real to me. Now, several people I know have attempted suicide. When I hear that someone is in the hospital, I think mental hospital before a normal hospital. Many of those I love are on anti-depressants. I don't know if I am scared or relieved.
I want to be able to write poetry. No more sestinas or sonnets, just free verse, drizzling onto the paper.
I cannot believe there is a show on MTV that documents people getting plastic surgery to look like celebrities. I cannot believe I watched two episodes over Thanksgiving break.
I want to live in a city, next door to an open market and a place to volunteer with children with Down's Syndrome. I want to be able to hold hands with my future husband in public. I want a future husband.
Imagine how much work I could have done instead of writing a self-pitying journal entry.
Imagine sledding down flagstaff hill on a tray stolen from the UC.
Imagine a two hour makeout session.
Imagine sleeping in until 2 pm.
Imagine strawberry ice cream.
Imagine London, at night.
Imagine that.

Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

2004-12-02T06:10:59Z

Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe I’m too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you’re on my mind so you never know

When I’m broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he’s done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So I’ll wait for you... and I’ll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you should’ve come over
’cause it’s not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

It’s never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It’s never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It’s never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It’s never over, she’s the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe I’m just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you should’ve come over
’cause it’s not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And I’m much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage I’ve done
Sweet lover, you should’ve come over
Oh, love well I’m waiting for you

Lover, you should’ve come over
’cause it’s not too late

And her ghost leaned down to kiss me, with a message from the sun

2004-11-30T05:44:58Z

I've had very little desire to update, but LJ is a perfect method of procrastination, of not masturbation, as Andy calls it. It's amazing how different people are online compared to in person. It makes me wonder which of the two shows our true feelings, if any.
Classes and work have kept me insanely busy this semester, but I also feel that it's been kind of empty. I feel like most of the things I've done won't make a difference in the long run, even if I get a momentary feeling of accomplishment. Is either one more important than the other?
One of my former professors wants me to write a letter of recommendation for her for some award. This seems harder than most writing assignments I've had recently.
I think I have become an email whore. I send about 100 emails a day, at least half to my boss. When I'm in front of a computer, I check my email every five minutes or so. I wonder if there is a clinic for this.
There has been a lot of drama lately, with people gossiping and blocking eachother. It's really immature, but it's hard to get out of the drama without creating more.
I don't like when people complain about not getting enough sex. If you're dating someone, you're probably getting a lot more action than we single folk. So, shut up about it, please.
I'm contemplating a week long trip in the summer to London. It'll be crazy expensive, but I think it'll be worth it. I'm sure by then I'll need some alone time in a fun city.
I love Christmas shopping.

Oh, and


elliott smith is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

ALLIES Talent Show

2004-11-18T04:01:09Z

Where else can you hear a capella and a rapping chicken?
Come to the
ALLIES Talent Show
Friday 19 November 2004
8:30 PM, doors open at 8:15 PM
Kresge Hall, College of Fine Arts, CMU
$2
Featuring a capella, improv, dance, rap, poetry and more!
See you there!